Broken Crayons Still Color

I know counselors have a bad reputation for blaming parents for children’s struggles. Please know that in most cases, I believe parents do the best they can with the resources and wounds they have. That being said, our families have the most impact on who we become as adults. As children, we absorbed the environments we grew up in. We learned from our first caregivers about the world and our place in it. 

Healing While Parenting

Let me be clear, healing doesn’t mean erasing the past. Healing means reducing the current negative impacts of previous wounds. Here are a few tips encourage you on your healing journey.

1. Practice Self-Compassion
   First, we need to cover the healing journey with self-compassion and grace. The path to healing is going to have a lot of detours and speed bumps, but it will get easier as you continue. The brain will need to create new neural pathways and that takes intentionality.  You aren't going to do this perfectly. Good! That's not even the goal! The goal here is to make progress towards the parent you want to be. 

2. Building Awareness
   What is the story you tell yourself that creates the moments of reaction you're looking to change? Do you know your own triggers? Take some time to reflect on the stories you tell yourself that create unwanted emotional reactions. Once you know the story, you can plan to do something different next time. The goal here is to recognize the trigger (the story) so we can plan a RESPONSE (value-driven) instead of REACTING (emotion-driven).

3. Break the Silence
   Out of shame, many of us keep our experiences hidden. Like trying to put a Tupperware lid on a volcano, the pressure continues to build as we continue to push more and more into the mouth of the volcano. When the volcano finally erupts, it leaves unintended hurt and disconnection in its path. Shame researcher, Brené Brown, says shame needs three things to survive: secrecy, silence and judgement. In her book, Daring Greatly, she writes, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.”―Brené Brown.

4. Act Like the Parent You Wanted
   Imagine what you needed as a child. Did you need more patience from an adult? More validation? More fun? More space to express your true self? More safety? Now is the time to offer those things to yourself. While you are acting like the parent you wanted, you will be acting as a healthier parent to your child as well.

5. Model Emotional Resilience
   You don’t have to be a perfect parent; just a present one. Show your children that emotions are okay, that mistakes are part of growth, and that love isn’t conditional. Parenting is a wonderful opportunity to model restoring relationships by asking for and receiving forgiveness when mistakes are made. By modeling a growth mindset of learning from mistakes, we teach our children to be more resilient and less perfectionistic.

Rewriting the Legacy

Healing while parenting isn’t just about breaking cycles; it’s about building something new. Every time you choose patience over anger, connection over disconnection, and understanding over judgment, you are rewriting your family’s story. Your children are not just witnessing your healing; they are benefitting from it. By doing this work, you are giving them the childhood you may have needed—one filled with safety, love, and emotional freedom.